DATE

I’ve been up to something on the internet. Something that may shock and surprise you. Something that many people consider taboo and not the kind of thing that cultured, intelligent people should indulge in. That many would want absolutely nothing to do with.

I’ve joined a dating site.

I have to say rather than being a life-affirming way of making contact with like-minded souls who I might want to spend eternity with, it’s been a rather dispiriting experience, with a handful of views and virtually no contacts from anyone that I would be interested in. That’s despite me playing the game the way it’s SUPPOSED to work and sending “hello” messages to many women who I’d be interested in chatting to. With most not even bothering to reply with a “no thanks”.

As you can imagine, I’m very polite, I have decent photographs where I don’t look like a loon and I have a well written profile. Though writing about yourself in that context is extremely difficult – I thought it was bad doing my professional blurb for my website, but this was a thousand times more difficult.

One of the reasons I joined-up was to help boost my confidence and to have someone to spend some of my long, lonely hours with – don’t worry, I didn’t put it that pathetically in my write-up! But it’s having the opposite effect on my already fragile self-esteem. Why does nobody want to talk to me? Why is nobody interested in me? I’m not asking you to marry me, I’m just saying “hello”. Am I SO objectionable and repulsive that the women who glance at my profile immediately are turned to stone? (Don’t answer that).

I’ve tried to make my profile come across as naturally “me” as I can. No, I’m not putting a link here nor telling you which site or sites I’m on. And I’ve made a real effort, unfortunately, as I browse through the profiles the same can’t be said for many of the others on the site. There are some shocking examples of profile pictures, let alone what’s written in some of them. I feel slightly uncomfortable with the whole notion of dismissing or accepting someone on the basis of photographs alone, it’s actually objectifying them – but that’s what these sites force you to do. I’ve gone through and stopped when someone’s caught my eye and then read their profile and only contacted them if they still interest me, which is the same as spotting someone across a room and going over to talk to them, right?

So all that having been said, here’s my list of shame for picture no-nos that I’ve spotted (no examples, as that would be very unfair!):

• DOGS – just a photo of Fido, not you – that really will attract the wrong sort dear.
• BLURRED – perhaps you have the shakes and that’s why your selfie looks like a still from a CCTV camera?
• GURNING – yeah there’s nothing a man likes more than a woman pulling a ridiculous face, way to go girl!
• MISERABLE – oh you think it’s a sexy pout? It’s not.
• RED EYE – bad photo, or are you possessed by the Devil? A Daemoness I could be interested in, a bad photographer not really.
• GROUP SHOT – I rather hope you’re the one of the left, ‘cos she’s really hot – but you’re not are you? You’re the one who looks like the back of a bus in the middle
• YOUR KIDS – yes, I’m proud of my progeny too, but I wouldn’t put a picture of her on my profile – especially not JUST a photo of her – again attracting the wrong sort there
• YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE – okay, you’ve been to Kilamanjaro, or you haven’t and just nicked the picture from Google Images – seeing a mountain helps me to know you how?
• SUNGLASSES – if you’re shy why not a burka? Or a gimp mask? At least then we’d be able to see your eyes, the window to your soul. Ah, maybe you have no soul. Noted.
• TOILET – nothing more romantic than a selfie taken in a bathroom mirror, nightclub toilet cubicle etc. Love to see a Toilet Duck peeping out from under your armpit.
• ANOTHER BLOKE – erm, is it your brother? gay best friend? Or are you in fact a couple looking for a third? Oh, the bowl of car keys on the table, didn’t spot that.
• WEDDING DRESS – I don’t even know where to start on how wrong THAT is.
• HALLOWEEN COSTUME – unless you really are just a slutty witch/cheerleader – actually, hang on, I never replied to that one…